Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Thunks #2

A new survey has eighty-five percent of US men claiming their sexual partners orgasm during sex. Only sixty-four percent of women admit to hitting the big O. It would seem that somebody is lying, but that need not be the case. Perhaps, instead, eighty five in every hundred US men are making love with sixty four in every hundred US women.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Thunks #1

I've a pile of freshly bought pirate DVDs with me. They're all a hundred and nine minutes long, as if it's been decided by committee that this exact number of minutes is the perfect length for a movie. I can picture them sitting around a big modern table, with cups from Starbucks and piles of paper in front of them, debating it.

"How about a hundred and six?"

"No, that's just not satisfying at all. Six is such a bottom heavy number. I like nine, it looks like it's ready to roll forward. A good action number, keeps you full of suspense. What do you think of ninety nine?"

"Hmm. I agree with your excellent comments on the number nine, but I think if you have too much of that it creates an unpleasing sense of instability. You start rocky and you end rocky, that's not movement, that's insanity. You want to begin with something stable and reliable, like the number ten. Good old, dependable ten. Then you move into the suspense of the nine."

"So a hundred and nine? Do we like that? Are we agreed? Great, good job everyone."

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Facts About Jakarta #9

The animals are not always treated here with the greatest respect in the world. A visit to Yogyakarta introduced me to multicoloured chicks, pet monkeys, pet owls, and my girlfriend's cousin's husband, who liked to hunt cats with a rifle.

On my road it is not uncommon to find a monkey riding a wooden bicycle for small change. He rides as fast as he can in whichever direction he's pushed until he reaches the end of the chain around his neck. The bicycle continues and the monkey doesn't.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Facts About Jakarta #8

There are not so many white people here. Is it racist for me to point that out? They call us 'bule'. I'm still an oddity, a welcome diversion on the streets, followed everywhere by friendly cries of 'Hello Mister!' Sometimes I get a hearty 'Hello guys!', where I think the greetings from the TV shows have been misinterpreted.

I say hello a lot too. I feel obliged to represent. It's difficult to do anything else. They think I'm a very smiley person here. Everyone I pass, I smile at them and nod, and say hello.

What to do, though, when I pass another bule? Do I nod and smile and say hello then? It seems wrong. I think so. I see them going through the same thing. Instead we go for the nod without the smile. We get it.

I've come up with a new solution, though. I'm going to give them all bananas.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Things I Googled #2

History of Sanitary Pads Made of Wood

A friend of my girlfriend told her that sanitary pads, once upon a time, were made of wood. This seemed unlikely, and, for whatever reason, I was intent on exposing the fallacy. I learnt that there is a Museum of Menstruation, whose website includes a fascinating and timely update on Muslim Menstruation, and that, historically, women might have used grass or bandages or rags or nothing at all. Some bandages would have been made of wood-pulp, a paper-like substance, giving rise, no doubt, to the misinformation passed on to my girlfriend. Women did not use lumps of wood. But why not? Sadly, Google fails to help me answer this question.

20,500 results.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Things I Googled #1

Polyphonic Spree Singer's Head Spinning Round

The Polyphonic Spree, a choral symphonic pop-rock group from Dallas, Texas, have a song where the lead singer mentions a girl who makes his head spin round, and lately I find myself devoting too much time to wondering what this would look like. The lead singer has quite a funny head anyway, and the image of it revolving like an apple on a turntable is disturbing. Not The Exorcist disturbing, if there is a scale of disturbingness. More Woody-Woodpecker-having-sex disturbing, I think.

9,770 results.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Facts About Jakarta #7

There are pockets of Jakarta where the damaged gather. I see a man walking down the road on his hands and feet, like an orangutan, his legs straight, his spine curved and his butt pushed high. A little further down, a young girl whose head and feet face in opposite directions. It's sad. Sadder still, these areas are not near hospitals, as one might assume. They're just poor.